seeking

I’m not sure I know how to listen for God. I want to say that I’ve forgotten how, but that implies the knowing in the first place, which seems a bold claim to make.

I’m trying to listen these days. And I feel like there are times in which I get a sense of something. And maybe I’m fumbling around in the dark, but I want to keep trying to press on.

And maybe someday it will be different, more secure, more straightforward. As I read John Stott’s The Cross of Christ, I thank God for a man who lived far more than the 31 years I’ve had so far and who has solid things to say – capital T Truth – coming out of years of thought, study, research, learning, reflection, and prayer. There is Truth, and we have been granted access to a sliver of it. It’s beautiful and yet harsh and yet still beautiful.

“Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life…” (John 14:6).

I read this blog post tonight, and it reinforced for me another Truth that I keep coming back to these days: There is so much we truly don’t know. Don’t want to know. Aren’t capable of knowing. We don’t see. We don’t understand. We don’t know. All too often we pretend that we do, but really, we don’t.

“Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth?
Declare, if you know all this.
Where is the way to the dwelling of light,
and where is the place of darkness,
that you may take it to its territory
and that you may discern the paths to its home?”
(Job 38:18-20)

And yet even not knowing in full, I want to continue press on. I want to seek to understand even that tiny sliver of Truth to which we have been granted access. I want to seek “to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with [our] God” (Micah 6:8). I want to stand with those who are doing the same and stand against evil, even when it comes in the form of those who call themselves fellow Christians. I want to listen for the voice of God, even when it comes as only a quiet sense of something. I want to have moments of stillness. I want to be a good person and a good wife and a good mom and seek to follow His leading in all things.

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