tonight's contemplations

We’ve been busy lately. I’m sure most of you readers could echo that sentiment. And while I get overwhelmed with the busy-ness, I find that I struggle much, much more with the occasional pocket of calm that manages to squeeze its way into my life. I feel lost. It’s as if my mind has forgotten what to do. So used to keeping its focus set on organizing our time, our money, our priorities, our commitments, it does not glide easily back into wondering at the majesty of the universe or grappling with the paradox of divine sovereignty and human agency or empathizing with a friend or enjoying play with a two-year-old.

Matt and I are both hoping to use our upcoming move (next week!) as something of a re-set. We’ve been talking about what we’d like to change once we’re settled into our new place. One of the biggest things that has come up in our conversations is that we’d like to start going for morning walks as a family – take some time to connect with each other, be outside, and get some exercise. Other than that, I haven’t yet formulated particularly concrete ideas about what I’d like to do differently, but I think that’s important. I am a goal-oriented person – if it’s not on a list (either in my head or in writing), I am likely not moving toward it.

I think I’d like to make more time to read – and not just non-fiction about adoption or being a good wife and mother, though those things are important – but fiction that touches my soul.

I want to plan for times to have fun with Miranda this summer, whether that’s going to the pool or to the park or reading books or playing with the chess set at home.

I hope to invest time in building some closer relationships here in Missouri. We have friends here, but I think I could do a better job of cultivating a few of those relationships to give them more potential to grow closer to relationships of the much-yearned-for, seldom-found bosom friend variety.

I’d like to make our home beautiful and peaceful and yet simple. I hope it can serve as an oasis for us – a place to which we return, again and again, to be refreshed, to experience love and grace. I want it to be a place into which we can invite others to share that experience. My desire is that our new home will be a place in which we wrestle with hard questions and work our way through struggles – and to which others feel comfortable coming to do the same – but that is ultimately permeated with a knowing of “the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge” (Ephesians 3:19). I think only God can truly create that atmosphere, but I pray He will enable us to experience and exude His love in such a way that our home carries that flavor.

I want to take advantage of this move, which is shaking up so much of the context of our day-to-day experiences, to reflect and make changes.

God, please give me your heart in all these things. Let my goals, as we go through this transition next week, line up with your goals, and give me the patience and grace to begin to step toward them, however slowly I may need to go.

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