wondering

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. That usually is the case for me when either (1) I’m busy with life in the real world, or (2) my thoughts are occupied by things I don’t (yet) want to blog about. Both have been the case recently. I’m hoping to be able to write more soon about some of the big changes coming up in our lives, but in the meantime, I thought I’d jump back into blogging by sharing an adoption update and a few other thoughts.

We’ve had all of our official visits with our social worker for our homestudy, and we’re hoping that will be done within the next month or so, and we can send off for our immigration approval. Otherwise, I think I have most of the documents compiled for our dossier. I’ve sent the out-of-state docs off for certification and am just waiting for the last couple in-state documents to be finalized before sending out our Missouri packet. Things are moving along nicely! We’re not in a huge rush, since we can’t send our dossier to China before my 30th birthday even if it’s complete, but it’s good to be making progress.

And as we progress, I’m finding myself wondering more and more who our next child will be. We think she’ll be a girl. But how old will she be? What will her personality be like? What sort of special needs will she have? Where is she now? How will she cope with the transition into our family?

Probably at least once a day, as I interact with Miranda, some question about our next little one pops into my head.

As Miranda shows me the scrapes on her knees, I wonder whether my little girl in China is old enough to be scraping her knees and who might be cleaning out her wounds and comforting her?

As Miranda makes the transition from diapers to big girl underwear, I wonder whether my next child will come to me already potty trained, and if so, whether I’ll be able to pick up on her cues to know when to take her to the bathroom.

While I hug Miranda and tell her, “I love you so much. I’m so glad you’re my daughter!” I wonder whether my second daughter has anyone really loving on her right now. My heart hurts looking forward to the day when I can begin to tell her, too, that I am so glad she is my daughter.

When Miranda selects one of the many nicknames we call her to begin to use for referring to herself (snugglebug) I wonder what my other little girl is called right now and what name(s) she will prefer for herself.

As we talk about the color of Miranda’s skin and the colors of other friends’ skin, I wonder how my daughter from China will feel about her Chinese heritage and the way she looks being somewhat different than the way the rest of our family looks, and I wonder how I will do talking through her thoughts and feelings and experiences with her and hope and pray that God will give me the words to say.

As I snuggle with Miranda before bed, I wonder how our next little one will respond to our efforts to build a relationship with her.

As Miranda and I have a conversation about how she was scared at her doctor’s office during her 24-month checkup, I wonder what special needs my little girl in China has and whether she’s in pain (physical or emotional), whether she’s receiving medical treatment, and whether she is scared of her doctor, too.

I’m left with a lot of wondering right now. While I’m anxious to get on with this whole process and meet our baby girl, I’m also thankful for this time of preparation. We’re reading and learning so much – both about adoption and about life in general. I’m getting a lot of practice in not being in control and needing to wait and trust in the Lord. I’m experiencing situations in which what at first seems to be bad news is transformed within 36 hours to an amazing blessing. That learning will probably serve me at least as well as the learning about attachment tools, various special needs, travel in China, typical behaviors of children adopted as toddlers, and helpful parenting strategies. I’m thankful for all of it. And I’m left continuing to wonder what our reality of adding to our family by adoption will look like. I’m very much looking forward to it, however it looks.

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4 thoughts on “wondering

  1. Allison, this is such an amazing and encouraging post. It brought tears to my eyes. I am filled with such joy at the thought of you bringing a sweet little child into your home to love and cherish.

  2. Who ever she is, she is blessed to have such a caring mom in her future. Sounds like you are doing all you can to prepare for her arrival and needs. Are you learning any basic chinese phrases to make the transition less scary for her? I admire what you are able to do. I keep hoping that doctors and or God would get me righted around enough so that we too could adopt. Best of luck in your journey, I really enjoy reading your blog!

    1. Thanks, Julie 🙂 We haven’t started learning any Chinese phrases yet, but we will before we travel. There are actually 2 different languages (and/or a number of dialects) our child could be accustomed to, so while Mandarin is most likely, we’re waiting until we have a little more information to start language-learning.

      And it would be wonderful if you guys were able to adopt, too 🙂

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